Well my 2020 started off like everyone else's. Big dreams, plans, holidays and we were happy. I started another business, had photo shoots done and I started seeing someone. It was going great! Well the first 3 months was anyway.
I used the lockdown time to completely re do my house. Organise it and put everything back in. Spent time with my family over FaceTime. My father has MND so he went into lockdown in February. Dyed my hair pink and relaxed. But I was still feeling very restricted and it was driving me crazy! The feeling of not being able to go to the gym or walk around the shops was horrible.
My relationship was great. Although we had to keep it on the DL from his friends as they are also my clients. He suffers from anxiety and COVID and lockdown did not help him at all. He let everything get to him and wouldn’t let me help him or be there for him in any way at all. Me, being the kind helpful person I am, that got to me and me feel useless.
Then we got told it was illegal for us to work. That made me feel like crap. My ads were still up as I was doing lots of video chats and stuff with my clients. But had to keep turning people down as they were wanting in person services. I lived next door to a cop... no thank you! No fines for me. He moved out thank goodness. I don’t like saying no to people in that regards and it was really messing with me turning people down. They even would make me think it’s just for brothels the fine was for. Until I showed them proof. People would still even argue with me.
I lost someone very close me and wasn't able to attend the funeral. Only 10 people allowed at the time. He was like a father to me for 13 years. So that hit me hard, they he died, how he died alone, how I couldn’t be there to support the family and how I didn’t handle it well.
We are only in May now. But one day I had a fight with someone over something so small. And all these little things made me have a break down in the middle of the car park of Ikea. So I decided to escape for the weekend. It was bliss! Just me, some alcohol and nice big round hot bubble bath. I was able to sort my head out and get prepared to turn down people, not work for a few months and how I hadn’t seen my family in months. Facetime just wasn't cutting it anymore.
My relationship came to end in July for some unknown reason. Still to this day I don’t know why. But it lead me on a downward spiral of thinking what was wrong with me and if I did something wrong. All I kept thinking was there something I did wrong. I kept thinking back to the last time we were together and I couldn’t think of anything. We booked holidays and made plans. Then that was it... nothing. So why the ghosting. So I just sent him a message and said we are over. My guess is he let anxiety take over felt embarrassed to talk to me about it. But my thoughts of what was wrong with me were still there. Those thoughts went on for months and I put weight on and not in a very good mind set. Lost the weight quickly thank god. I decided I needed to change in order to get out of this mind set. So booked into get my boobs done. I also decided to be more social. Go out with friends and meet new people. Do different things.
When I was down and thinking about what was wrong with me. A man contacted me for my prices. He told me I was to expensive for him and I wished him luck and moved on. I was very nice about it all. But... he didn’t see it that way. He must have been high as his messages were very hard to make sense of. But he messaged me saying how much better he was than the women he pays and that I am not worth the amount I was asking for. I had just woken up and was like ‘dude what the fuck!’ So I replied to him nicely with a little bit sass. I was sticking up for myself and the clients who see me. Then he said I was nasty and a worthless piece of shit. Again I was like ‘dude what the fuck!’ I replied again not so nice and with lots more sass. It made me so angry that a little man could talk to woman like that, that anyone could talk to a person like that. Seriously what’s wrong with society that we feel that’s ok? If anyone has that answer, please tell me. I feel bad for the girls he sees in brothels and he named them. So for those girls, I feel really bad for you. But on the bright side, defending myself made me feel so much better about myself. It made realise who I am again and what I do should not be frowned upon. We are awesome women and should not put up with crap like that from anyone. The relief I felt made me cry and it was the best day I had this year. From that day forward I would never let any man make me feel that way again. Worthless. Never again!
My whole attitude changed from that day onwards. I got my confidence back. I got my self worth back. I became more honest and didn’t hold back in what I said to anyone. My family noticed a change in me. My friends and clients. So I do thank that nasty little man.
That was pretty much my year. A lot but not a lot at the same time. It was a very confusing and different year but excited for 2021. So please no one screw it up!! We all deserve a better year ahead.